I had to come down to Bombay to meet a fellow doctor at Leelavati Hospital. I am a Doctor by profession & practice at my own clinic in Bhopal. I was waiting for Dr. Atul in the corridor while he was attending to some patients. I looked around at the people passing by. Studying people & interpreting their life backgrounds is my special interest.

I saw a little girl of around 3 years of age running in my direction. She w2as very fair with curly jet-black hair, huge almond shaped dark brown eyes & an enchanting smile. She uncannily reminded me of someone.

‘Aastha!!! Stop Baby!! Oooff….’ A thin, young lady in a simple white and green salwar-kameez came running & calling behind her.

I looked at her & kept on staring. I couldn’t believe my eyes that I was seeing her after 7years.

It was Nandini. My girlfriend few years ago. I was unsure how to react. I suppressed by urge to go up to her & speak to her. After all, she left me and went away. She never contacted me again. Just because she was happily married to a rich guy she forgot all about me? Did she ever wondered what I must have gone through? And did she ever miss me? As she passed me, I looked at her more closely. I noticed her ex-pressions. My Nandi didn’t look like this. This cant be my Nandi.

My gut feel made me suddenly stand up in front of her. ‘Excuse me. Are you Nandini?’ I asked.

She turned to look at me. After a few seconds, her eyes showed slight signs of recognition, but her face was as blank as ever. ‘Oh, how are you’, she replied dully.

Words didn’t come to my mouth. What has Nandi done to herself? My Nandi was so cute. Her kohl filled huge dark brown eyes were always twinkling with mischief. She talked non-stop gibberish. Her dazzling smile broke several hearts everyday. And her long black hair. Her hair would be all over in my car when I cleaned my car every morning. She always wore bright & crisp clothes. And she loved long, dangling, sparkling earrings. Instead, I saw small, dull eyes with dark circles under them. Her short hair were tied in a tiny ponytail. She wore gold stud earrings & a faded salwar kameez. Looked like she hadn’t smiled since ages. What has happened to her?

‘How come you here? Any problem?’, I asked.

‘My mother has been operated on’, she replied blandly.

I didn’t know how to get her to talk.

The little girl spoke up. ‘Mummy, is he my new Papa??’

Nandini looked surprised, but I could see the increased sadness in her eyes. I was equally stunned. New Papa?

‘No, baby. We have only one Papa. If that Papa goes away, you have to stay with Mummy’

‘But everyone has a Papa, I also want Papa’

Nandini became conscious of my presence. She debated in her mind as to what to say & gave in to the sad fact.

‘Hey Aastha, we were supposed to call the nurse!! Nani must be waiting! C’mon, Cmon, lets rush!!!’, she said, putting on a cheerful mask.

Aastha immedietly forgot about her Papa demand & struggled to get down from Nandini’s arms.

‘Ok, I’ll go’. And she was gone.

I rushed after her & followed at a distance. I waited outside their room. Nandini spotted me. I looked at her expectantly. She came out.

‘What is it’

‘Can I talk to you for just 15 minutes’

‘What’

‘Please Nandini. Just 15 minutes’

‘OK’

We went to the empty waiting room.

She sat down silent.

‘Nandini.. all this.. is Aashtha your.. I mean, where is your.. is everything ok..’, I struggled with words.

She looked straight in my eye.

‘I am divorced’

‘Why???!!!!!’, I was shocked.

‘Because Rishabh has become a big man now. He found a much smarter, financially independent, intelligent woman. Even my in-laws approve of her & say, what’s the harm if their son wants someone who can match his intellect.’

‘But you too are a career woman, Nandini. I remember you handling Head of Dept role at such a young age. And you got such a fat sal..’

‘I used to. That is past. I was a career woman. I used to earn a fat salary. I quit working 6 years ago. My mother-in-law has arthritis & she complained that her daughter-in-law isn’t paying attention to her and home. Anyway, what value does a housewife have. Always taken for granted. I guess I became too involved in home that I failed to see Rishabh’s affair, which had been going on since 2 years. She is his colleague. He traveled; spent long hours at office, many times didn’t turn up for dinner. I didn’t assume anything because I myself have been a corporate person and understand the schedules. But never imagined that ….…..’

I went back in our past. I hated her work. Her travel plans developed suddenly. She traveled with men & I always taunted & doubted her. She would cry & beg me to believe her, but I didn’t. Most times she cribbed that she hated work; but I encouraged her to go on & work with dedication.  She always had loads of money in her bank account & gave me full right over it. She had  lended me around Rs. 40,000.

‘Well, I may be too harsh but tell them to fuck off & prove to them that you too can be financially independent. You can stand on your own feet’

‘They know I can’t. I have no money. All my money went in buying our new home. Rishabh’s money wasn’t enough. What’s the difference between my money and your money, I told him.’

Her face filled with sadness. My heart went out to her. I regretted the day I called her selfish. I told her a girl like her could only think of herself. And look. She was with the family during their bad times & now they no longer need her.

‘Aastha was born after 4 years of marriage. I had a miscarriage once & doctor advised not to try again for next 1.5 years. That made the family turn against me. And that’s when Rishabh’s affair started, I suppose. My condition was critical during second pregnancy & I needed special care. I went to my Mother. During that duration, neither Rishabh nor my in-laws called me up. Aastha’s birth came along with divorce notice. I accepted without a question. Rishabh & in-laws were both happy with the decision. I had to start from scratch. No money, no work experience. I lost touch with work. After a difficult stretch, I’ve found a job. Now I can support my daughter & parents. I’ll give Aastha the best. I wont let her fate be like mine.’

I wanted to kneel in front of her & honour her. I know she was very lonely & it was being difficult for her to manage work & Aastha. During our relationship, Nandini used to share every small incident with me. For the smallest of physical pain or difficulty, she used to over-react & seek consolation. She would melt in my arms during times of stress. How must sh be quietly hiding her pain & managing all??

‘You must also have married..’, she commented.

My eyes gave her answer. Yes, I married too. 2 years ago. But I could never forget Nandini. Nandini’s love always stayed with me. There can be no-one like her. The love I've given her, I can't give anyone else now. Even today, in my relationship with my wife, I remember how Nandini would have behaved if she was with me. She has too big an effect on me. She is still in my heart. Nandini was so undemanding. What did she want from me? My time, my love, my attention, kindness. She never tried to change me. She accepted me as I was. She never imposed things on me. No demands, no expectations. But I always complained about her dressing sense & choice & actions. She changed for me.  Even my wife doesn’t try and become what I want her to.

Nandini had an affair before meeting me, which she hid from me. But I found out through contacts. We had huge differences that time. She begged forgiveness but never showed any kind of arrogance. With great difficulty, our relation regained. Then she became over-friendly with an office collegue. She hid this f’ship too from me, which I again found out. She admitted that she got carried away but the reality was that she was too innocent to see that the guy was taking her for a ride. She broke down again. She admitted her mistake. I mentally tortured her & refused to forgive her. I shouted at her, taunted her, refused to talk to her, didn’t pick up her calls for days. She cried for hours. She accepted all I told her to do. She did all she could to win me back. This riff went on for 3 months. But it wasn’t the end. Even till the last day of our relation I didn’t forgive her.  She hung on to this relation till the end, despite all my temper, anger & taunting & also knowing the fact that since we are of different religions, our marriage can never happen. She was always calm & washed out her pain as tears, but never shouted back at me.  I wanted to continue my relation with her after our respective marriages, but she refused. She didn’t want to cheat our respective partners.  I started hating her from that time.

I came back to reality as I saw her get up.

‘I need to go. Aastha must be waiting for me.’

‘Nandini. You are a great woman…… Take care’

I guess the sincerity of my words showed because her face softened. I genuinely prayed to my God that she gets all the happiness that she really deserves. She turned away without saying a word leaving me standing there.

That night, I dreamt that I & Nandini were, as usual, out for long drive & she spoke non-stop about how the traffic irritated her while coming back from work; that her finger was aching; that she loved me; that she wanted to buy a new shirt for me; that she was hungry; that a girl at work behaves very stupidly;  that she wanted to be in my arms forever..’

Nandini….. my first & last love..

** The End **